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Amish Witches: The True Story Of Holmes County (2016) – Movie Review

Amish Witches: The True Story Of Holmes County (2016) - Movie Review

Okay, got a ‘made-for-television’ horror film for you this week…that apparently premiered on the Lifetime channel…whatever that is?

It is Found Footage…but I doubt very much that it will scare the shit out of anyone reading this (well, the lame plot might scare a few horror connoisseurs out there!).

Anyway, this Lifetime channel appears to be a pretty shitty American channel, and this film appears to be one of their offerings from the Halloween period.

So…

Don’t expect innards being ripped out of people’s stomachs, and don’t expect realistic conversations/language. Actually, don’t expect much on the horror side of things.

From what I can remember, there is a hanging body in one scene…but that’s about it!

The Plot

When a reality TV crew moves into Holmes County, Ohio to document the lives of an isolated sect of Swartzentruber Amish, production is halted by the death of a Brauchau, an Amish witch.

Anyway!

Yep, that’s the main feeling I got off this film, plus the fucking video streaming player online was a dud one, so I had to stop and pause it several occasions during it’s playing time.

You know that overpowering urge to shout out ‘Anyway!’ at the end of a film – that realization that life isn’t necessarily that long…and you just wasted 87 minutes of it?

That’s Amish Witches: The True Story Of Holmes County, in a nutshell.

Conclusion

Okay, I suppose I better try throwing in a few positives here, as I’ve sat through a lot worse in my time.

First off the bat is the fact that a ‘bored housewife’ channel has actually attempted to get into the Found Footage genre – fair play to them!

It was a pretty lame attempt, but it was an attempt all the same.

Secondly, the general cast was okay – well above your more typical amateur hour Found Footage actors. Oh, and the cinematography – not bad overall, quite professional (maybe a bit too professional for this genre?).

But at the end of the day, we are left with a pretty lame horror film that a nine-year-old could watch, without really getting freaked out on any level.

There’s not really that much more to say on the subject – the film sort of happens, then ends, then you get that ‘Anyway!’ feeling creeping through your head.

To be brutally honest – I can’t really be bothered to write anything else about it!

Why don’t you watch it and make your own minds up – it’s on most (if not all) of the online streaming sites?

Drop me a comment below with your own views – maybe you can put more effort into it than I have 🙂

Chris

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