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Panteon Woods (2015) – Movie Review

Panteon Woods (2015) - Movie Review

I’m a bit stuck with this one, as in I don’t really have too much to say about it…because it left me a little bewildered.

It’s a near enough zero budget Found Footage project, a typical ‘let’s go into the woods to look for a legendary creature’ romp, but it’s painfully bad…then surprisingly inventive in sections.

Anyway, it’s hard to cover here without hitting any spoilers, because the ending of the movie was the only ‘real’ thing it had to offer the watcher….

The Plot

Riley Rey feeds her interest in cryptozoology with a steady stream of video uploads and the help of her older sister, Rebecca, who plans to be the next hit cinematographer. With a YouTube channel featuring the usual ghost hauntings and UFO videos, Riley decides it’s time to up the ante. In an effort to increase viewership, the two sisters hire the help of Greg, a seasoned tracker with a murky past. He guides the girls on an adventure to investigate Chanoc, a small town legend. Through adversity and conflict, they discover the secrets of the Panteon Woods, but never return.

Dirty Old Man

Okay, let’s start with the most irritating angle from the film – the character named Greg Blackrot (who I’m reliably informed is played by an actor named Richard Wotkun).

For some reason they’ve decided to make this character a little bit of a sex pest…no scratch that – an outright pervo!

Seriously, the first 40 minutes or so of the movie is dedicated to this desperate old man trying his best to nail the ‘fat’ sister (apologies if the actress is reading this – but you have to call a spade a spade!).

This goes on, and on, and on…

Seriously, the guy needs medication.

Conclusion

Really hard to wrap this one up without hitting the main spoiler, which is the ONLY interesting part of the film, but I’ll try my best to cover certain elements without spoiling it for anyone who’s not had to sit through it (yet).

The movie is unfortunately pieced together by scenes which are largely overacted, by unlikable tattooed female characters (and a sex pest of an old man!).

For the large part, I found little within the movie to keep me engrossed, and I continually wanted to put a bullet through my brain to get away from the grinding experience.

But the climax/ending to the film was a decent surprise – and it was actually filmed quite well, with a decent amount of sinister and disturbing dialog.

But that’s about it.

Was it worth sitting through the surrounding rot, just to get to the end of the movie?

No, probably not.

The cinematography was bog standard, and obviously ‘amateur hour’ in delivery. The script was horrendously offensive to my ears…expect for the final ten minutes or so.

The character development was kinda non-existent, so I disliked every character from start to finish…

Not really selling it to you, am I?

At the end of the day – you can’t polish a turd, no matter how hard you try.

The filmmaker, Michael Ramova, has made one good move, by throwing an interesting ending in there…but unfortunately the remainder of the film sucks ass big time!

Overall – not for me.

Chris

4 Comments

  1. I see that the movie only has a one and a half stars on IMDb. It looks like many agree with you about how the movie plot is designed. The comment you made about putting a bullet through your head rather than sit through the movie made me laugh. It must have been really atrocious for you to have to make that comment. Besides the ending which I’m sure did not make up for the rest of the movie being so bad, how was the overall acting of the characters? Did their acting justify the movie or was it just an overall bad plot?

    • Hi there Jag!

      Nope, the acting was pretty shit as well I’m afraid…

      An all-round turd in the wind. 

  2. Maybe just a couple of questions – Do you ever rate the movies? Obviously this is a thumbs down but maybe on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate it? Or even on a scale of 1 to 5, this may help your reader. Your review of “Panteon Woods” was pretty clear and to the point.  I don’t have any other questions.

    • Nope I never give a rating – it’s not up to me to do that (besides most critics out there do that – I ain’t a normal critic…by any stretch of the imagination!). 

      You get an opinion – like you would off a drunk guy at a bar! 🙂

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