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Parched (2017) – Movie Review

Parched (2017) - Movie Review

I’ll do you all a favor today, and lay my cards out on the table about this film, early on…to save you from wasting your time reading through my negative rantings…

This was a pile of shit.

There – if you want to read on, please feel free to (otherwise I’m typing away for no reason whatsoever!), but for those of you that are in a hurry – you’re welcome! 🙂

What we’ve got here is some prick that went out of his/her way to buy a semi-decent camera. Now, two people should be thrown off a cliff here – the person that sold them the camera…and the dickhead that used it to film this mess.

Anyway, if you’re still reading (and you really shouldn’t be!), this is why I disliked the movie…

The Plot

A quintet of college kids take a road trip to an abandoned house and unintentionally drink infected water that turns them slowly insane and murderous – but this is no accident.

How Much do They Pay These Fake IMDb Reviewers?

Seriously – how much do they pay these fuckers to leave these (completely out of place) fake reviews?

I’m only asking, as the time of writing this, Parched scores a 4.1 on the IMDb scale.

Now, 4.1 ain’t exactly great…but it’s a fuckload more than this film deserves!

Here are a few subtitles of the more positive reviews (i.e. the fake ones!)….

  • Pretty fun found footage silliness (8 out of 10)
  • These are some thirsty kids (7 out of 10)
  • Not a bad ride (9 out of 10)
  • Stumbled on this creeper (8 out of 10)

Then we get to the poor bastards who believed these fake reviews…

  • One of the absolute worst movies ever made (1 out of 10)
  • Worst acting I’ve ever seen (2 out of 10)
  • Baby’s first movie (2 out of 10)

Conclusion

Yeah, let’s get this over and done with…

The lasting memory that I will take from this film is the actress that played Cici (I won’t name and shame) trying to pull off a ‘fit’ on the floor in one particular scene.

Now, it’s one of those moments where you don’t know whether to laugh…or to feel sorry for them.

At some point, someone on the crew (director Joe Leone, one presumes) shouted ‘cut’ and thought – “That was fucking brilliant – what an actress she is!!!”

I’m lost for words – watch it and see for yourself.

Then we get the stream that they decide to drink from…

I don’t know about you, but I would NEVER drink from a stream that was not wider than my arm – this stream was fucking tiny, and it ran through a forest!

How many dead animal corpses are going to infect that grotty little water source?

What’s more – in a scene about 10 minutes later, good old Cici is spotted having a wash in a lake-sized body of water!

Why didn’t they try drinking from that?

Then we’ve got the ‘dead zone’ where mobile phones don’t work, and the car won’t start…

So they can’t get to hospital, of course.

Now, if you want this angle to work – don’t film in a rural setting that is near a road!

If you HAVE to film in this particular setting – wait until there are NO cars passing by!

Seriously – the sound of passing cars when you are trying to convince an audience you are stranded…doesn’t work.

I normally try and find a few positives in these piss-poor films but I’m not going to bother with this one – this type of film is the reason so many people hate the genre.

Apologies to the cast and crew – but this movie is shit.

Chris

4 Comments

  1. *sigh* I saw this a month before you reviewed it here. I wish I was able to read this and not waste my time on watching this film. I tried to like but I couldn’t in the end.

    • I know – I should of got around to this review sooner really (warn more people!).
      I’ve got a long list to get up on here and I try to pick the most important first…often means I have to re-watch films as I can’t remember what happened the first time around!
      At least I’ve met someone that’s sat through the same punishment as me (watching this film!) 🙂

  2. Hey Chris! Have you ever watched The Pyramid (2014)? It’s about a camera crew and two archeaologists who investigate a recently unearthed three-sided pyramid near Giza and despite warnings, and they’re forced to face the deadly traps and creatures that lay within. It’s unique and different, though I admit there are scenes CLEARLY film by professionals that take you out of the Found Footage element, and a few creatures are very obviously CGI, but still I think it would make a great addition to your site! I mean I’m sure you HAVE heard of it and maybe already watched it once, but if so, do watch it again and make an official review because despite critical analysis, it’s not bad!

    • Ah this makes sense – I just answered your other comment first! (I got them the wrong way around!).
      Yeah I have seen The Pyramid – but as you pointed out, it wasn’t 100% Found Footage. Now you’ve brought it to my attention – I’ll watch it again and see if it qualifies for the site! 🙂

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