Slender (2016) – Movie Review

Slender (2016) - Movie Review

Well that was lame as f##k – what a way to destroy an awesome urban legend!

Slightly disappointed this morning to say the least, I’ve been waiting for this one for several months now and the final experience was very much a damp fart at best!

I’m a big fan of Slender Man. I’ve been a big fan of this internet meme ever since it was created by Something Awful forum user Eric Knudsen (a.k.a. “Victor Surge”) in 2009.

About a year back Found Footage fans were lucky enough to be handed a feature length Marble Hornets film.

Now, I know they try telling us that the Marble Hornets franchise has nothing to do with the Slender Man but come on – we didn’t fall out of the ‘stupid tree’ and hit every branch on the way down!

Anyways, the internet community seemed to indicate that Always Watching was nothing more than a ‘taster’ for a new Slender Man movie coming out…this one!

F##k me the internet is a piss pool full of misinformation at times, isn’t it?

The Plot

Two filmmakers searching for the perfect documentary subject stumble across a story that even they don’t want to believe.

(Yes I was so pissed off with this film I decided to rip off the blurb from IMDb once again!).

He Once Was a Giant…

So it’s official – Slender Man has finally managed to become a cheap way to make a movie.

After wonderfully atmospheric YouTube offerings like EverymanHYBRID, Marble Hornets, and TribeTwelve, we’ve ended up here…

In the toilet-end of the Found Footage genre!

It pains me to say it but…this film has managed to taint just about any Slender Man production that has ever hit our screens.

It sucks!


The film itself is bad enough – that kinda speaks for itself at this point of the review.


…The director, Joel Petrie, didn’t exactly help himself by casting some of the most unlikable characters I’ve ever seen in a Found Footage film.

We are supposed to care about what happens to the guys behind the camera – that’s what makes these films gripping.

How am I supposed to care about a group of filmmakers who decide to exploit and terrify a woman who has been searching for her children for five years?

I mean come the f##k on?

These pricks deserve to have their throats slashed!

On top of that the most frightening element of Slender Man is short, sharp glimpses on camera…

  • What was that?
  • Was that him?
  • I saw something then!

These are the cinematography elements that make the Slender Man what he is – frightening!

But oh no, no, Mr. Joel Petrie has decided that a Slender Man movie would be much more effective without ANY sort of shot of our lanky friend (unless you include one of the main characters attempting to dress up like him…with some sort of sock over his head!).

That’s right – we won’t even include a millisecond glimpse of the urban legend in a film that bears his name!

What a shower of shit!

I’m going to stop this review here as I don’t really feel this crap deserves any sort of space on my site.

With any sort of luck Joel Petrie will get a job on the set of I am Cait or something equally as shit.

One thing’s for certain – he’s not welcome in this genre!



  1. I kind of get the impression you’re not keen on this film? It sounds like utter shit. To not include even a glimpse of the titular character is a joke.

    • Na it really disappointed me Natalie – I love the Slenderman legend but this missed the mark by a mile!

  2. I have this ready and waiting on my hard drive so i’m off to delete it now then lol

  3. That really sucks, I was so looking forward to this. What da hell were they thinking? Talk about a missed opportunity.

    • Yeah I was too John – talk about a waste of 80 minutes…sitting there waiting for a glimpse of Slender…nothing!

  4. i saw this film a little while ago, couldnt agree with your review more chris. i cant believe i sat through it till the end. i quite enjoyed “always watching” but this was just poor film making, not even funny bad.

    • Hi Rachel – glad you agree. The worst thing is I was totally excited about finding it online and sat down to watch it filled with hope…utter shite!

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